var days = new Array(8);
days[1] = "Sunday";
days[2] = "Monday";
days[3] = "Tuesday";
days[4] = "Wednesday";
days[5] = "Thursday";
days[6] = "Friday";
days[7] = "Saturday";
var months = new Array(13);
months[1] = "January";
months[2] = "February";
months[3] = "March";
months[4] = "April";
months[5] = "May";
months[6] = "June";
months[7] = "July";
months[8] = "August";
months[9] = "September";
months[10] = "October";
months[11] = "November";
months[12] = "December";
var dateObj = new Date(document.lastModified)
var wday = days[dateObj.getDay() + 1]
var lmonth = months[dateObj.getMonth() + 1]
var date = dateObj.getDate()
var fyear = "19" + dateObj.getYear()
if (monitorlevel()>1)
return("
Last modified on " + wday + ", " + lmonth + " " + date + ", " + fyear + "")
else
return("");
}
function whenlast2()
{
var days = new Array(8);
days[1] = "Sunday";
days[2] = "Monday";
days[3] = "Tuesday";
days[4] = "Wednesday";
days[5] = "Thursday";
days[6] = "Friday";
days[7] = "Saturday";
var months = new Array(13);
months[1] = "January";
months[2] = "February";
months[3] = "March";
months[4] = "April";
months[5] = "May";
months[6] = "June";
months[7] = "July";
months[8] = "August";
months[9] = "September";
months[10] = "October";
months[11] = "November";
months[12] = "December";
var dateObj = new Date(document.lastModified)
var wday = days[dateObj.getDay() + 1]
var lmonth = months[dateObj.getMonth() + 1]
var date = dateObj.getDate()
var fyear = "19" + dateObj.getYear()
if (monitorlevel()>0)
return("Last modified on " + lmonth + " " + date + " " + fyear)
else
return("");
}
function randomquote()
{
x= ("");
if (monitorlevel()>2)
{
n = 16;
phrase1 = new MakeTextArray (n);
phrase1[1] = ("Pure Evil: When normal, everyday, Evil just won't do.");
phrase1[2] = ("I had one Republican... tell me, 'I'm a divorce lawyer. I've been telling people to lie about their sex lives all my life. How can I go after Clinton about this?'
--Rep. Barney Frank");
phrase1[3] = ("E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
--Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company");
phrase1[4] = ("As long as people are still having premartial sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
--Austin Powers");
phrase1[5] = ("What I lack in experience I make up for in delusion and mass hysteria.");
phrase1[6] = ("This page has been brought to you by the number 2n-1");
phrase1[7] = ("Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete stangers to kill again.
--TV listing for 'The Wizard of Oz' in the Marin Paper");
phrase1[8] = ("I can't believe Liberace was gay! Women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.
--Austin Powers");
phrase1[9] = ("Let me just be very clear that the Republican Party will select a nominee that will beat Bill Clinton.
--Dan Quayle, referring to the year 2000 Presidential Election");
phrase1[10] = ("The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard");
phrase1[11] = ("Illegal income, such as stolen or embezzled funds, must be included in your gross income on line 21 of Form 1040, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity.
--IRS Publication 525");
phrase1[12] = ("Give me ambiguity or give me something else.");
phrase1[13] = ("We had an empire to run!
John Cleese, explaining why British food sucks");
phrase1[14] = ("Joan of Arc heard voices too.");
phrase1[15] = ("Your hair has never looked like a dead mouse pelt. Dead mouse pelts have little dangly feet and tails on them.
--Susan Harris");
phrase1[16] = ("If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?");
day = new Date();
sec = day.getSeconds();
x = (x + "
" + phrase1[1 + sec % n]);
}
return(x)
}
function showwebaddress()
{
if (monitorlevel()==3)
{
x = ("
");
}
else
{x = ("")}
return (x)
}
function pagealert()
{
window.alert (whenlast())
}
function randomalert()
{
n = 16;
phrase1 = new MakeTextArray (n);
phrase1[1] = ("Pure Evil: When normal, everyday, Evil just won't do.");
phrase1[2] = ("I had one Republican... tell me, 'I'm a divorce lawyer. I've been telling people to lie about their sex lives all my life. How can I go after Clinton about this?'\n\n--Rep. Barney Frank");
phrase1[3] = ("E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. \n\n--Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company");
phrase1[4] = ("As long as people are still having premartial sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound! \n\n--Austin Powers");
phrase1[5] = ("What I lack in experience I make up for in delusion and mass hysteria.");
phrase1[6] = ("Why does everybody think I'm paranoid?");
phrase1[7] = ("Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first woman she meets and then teams up with three complete stangers to kill again. \n\n--TV listing for 'The Wizard of Oz' in the Marin Paper");
phrase1[8] = ("I can't believe Liberace was gay! Women loved him! I didn't see that one coming. \n\n--Austin Powers");
phrase1[9] = ("Let me just be very clear that the Republican Party will select a nominee that will beat Bill Clinton.\n\n--Dan Quayle, referring to the year 2000 Presidential Election");
phrase1[10] = ("The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard");
phrase1[11] = ("Illegal income, such as stolen or embezzled funds, must be included in your gross income on line 21 of Form 1040, or on Schedule C or Schedule C-EZ (Form 1040) if from your self-employment activity. \n\n--IRS Publication 525");
phrase1[12] = ("If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?");
phrase1[13] = ("We had an empire to run!\n\n--John Cleese, explaining why British food sucks");
phrase1[14] = ("Joan of Arc heard voices too.");
phrase1[15] = ("Your hair has never looked like a dead mouse pelt. Dead mouse pelts have little dangly feet and tails on them.\n\n--Susan Harris");
phrase1[16] = ("Give me ambiguity or give me something else.");
day = new Date();
sec = day.getSeconds();
return(phrase1[1 + sec % n]);
}
function quotealert()
{
window.alert(randomalert());
}
function randomstatus()
{
n = 15;
phrase1 = new MakeTextArray (n);
phrase1[1] = ("Pure Evil: When normal, everyday, Evil just won't do.");
phrase1[2] = ("The truth may be out there, but where the hell are my pants?");
phrase1[3] = ("Escape/avoidance conditioning is no basis for a relationship");
phrase1[4] = ("Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes");
phrase1[5] = ("What I lack in experience I make up for in delusion and mass hysteria.");
phrase1[6] = ("Why does everybody think I'm paranoid?");
phrase1[7] = ("I'm a doctor, Jim, not a slave to an HMO!");
phrase1[8] = ("Those who can't do, teach. Those who can't teach run the financial aid office");
phrase1[9] = ("Beets! They're not just for breakfast any more!");
phrase1[10] = ("The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard");
phrase1[11] = ("Satan for President: let's get it out in the open.");
phrase1[12] = ("Give me ambiguity or give me something else.");
phrase1[13] = ("Newt Gingrich: for when there's not quite enough slime in your life");
phrase1[14] = ("Joan of Arc heard voices too.");
phrase1[15] = ("If I have sex with my clone, will I go blind?");
day = new Date();
sec = day.getSeconds();
return(phrase1[1 + sec % n]);
}
//-->